Sometime ago, I wrote a letter to GOD, but no reply.....

Things are not getting better, as usual, continue to make losses in trading... so what the fuck is wrong with my life?? I just want to have a piece of my own dream, want to be able to earn a living by trading so that I need not be stuck to the office enviroment whereby I now work under an idiot...... I told my colleague that I use to think it is tough to work under a genius, but now I realised that it is even tougher to work under an idiot!

So what the fuck is going wrong? I am really not asking for much.... just want to be able to be financial independent, no need to answer to a boss.... is that too much to ask for??

A Letter to GOD

Dear GOD,

I am writing this letter to you as I hope that it can be delivered to you and you can have the chance or time to read it.

I have been praying and praying and hope that you can speak to me but to no avail. So I choose to write it here, post it on the blog, hoping somehow if you red it, youcan answer my prayer.

In the past few years, my life had took a turn and I have not been in the "right" path ever since I left my Swedish company. When I left the company, taking on a regional treasurer position in a US company, I thought that I finally achieve what I set out to achieve, which is to be the head of a department before the ge of 38. But what awaits me is a nightmare. I could not cope with the job because it is not what I expected to be. I spend the next 15 months suffering and I cried a few times. I feel that I let my wife down when I told her that I wish to quit my job than. While she did not say much, I know tht she is worried for me, and what is new? I always make her worry. When I finally quit in Feb 2006, I went for many interviews, but none is successful because of my work history. I am depressed as I felt so useless.

When I finally found a job in an investment firm, I was so relief, and it makes me feel that I just escape from hell. But a few months into the job, I realised that my boss, an Indian, is not going to let me handle what I should be handling... all decision has to go through him, and I do not have a limit to trade... what is the point? Than a company I went for interview called me again and offered me the job, six months after the interview. I thought for a while and I rejected the offer, because my thinking is that I am going to trade for a living myself. Things did not turn out well, and I continue to stay in the company. The following year, we have a bad run, I know that we have a bad position and I wanted to get out, but my boss refused, and the losses runs into hundred of thousands. Than he employed a young chap and that really pisses me off because trying to make decision with him is already bad enough, and now I have to have another person consensus. I have the feeling that he is trying to get rid of me. One day, I asked him what is his plan, and he said he will think about it, and in the late afternoon, I was given the boot. And you know what? This was 2 weeks after my baby boy is borned.

I knew I was in trouble because it took me 5 months to land a job previously, so it will be worst this time. I ave about 90k in my trading account so I think maybe I can get by if I can make 3-4k a month... and you know what, the financial crisis struck and I loss 60k in the option trade.

I really feel so bad and useless. I wanted to commit sucide for I really let my wife down. I just think since I am so useless, what good is there for me to continue to live in this world? If I die, at least my wife can get the insureance payout, maybe she can be with another person that can take good care of her....but than, I am afraid that if I commit suicide and I do not die, things may be worst.... also, when i search true the web and notice that killing oneself is not what GOD will condone and will probably I will be in hell eternally. So I feel even worst and I hated myself that I do not have the courage to do anything.

While I am out of job, I try to get some part-time assignment....I am lucky to get an assignment in Jakarta to do training, which pays me about 6k. I also landed a part time teaching job, but this teaching job turn out to be a waste of time because there is no student. So I complaint that it is not fair that I did not get paid through no fault of mine, and also I spend so much time in preparing the lecturing materials. So the school pay me 1k for my work, but I never hear from them again.

One day, I told my wife I wanted to go to church. My wife knew that I used to go church but was never a Christian. So on that Sunday, I went to church and I accept Christ into my life.

I asked my former boss if he has any position in his company. It turn out that he has, and I was so hopeful about landing this job because of my boss. But it turn out that he said that the decision is not his but his boss, and that his boss do not want to hire a manager. You can imagine my disappointment. Just before this, I actually received a call from a company that I went for interview a month ago. The person offered me a job. I was not too keen because I really hope that I can join my former boss and I am more interested in the financial market side of things. But since my former boss will not be hiring me, I have no choice (actually a private school offered me a lecturing position, but I am not keen as the pay is only 40% of my previous pay).

So I join the company with a cut in salary for 1k, but what can I complaint? Compared with being jobless, a job is a blessing. So I started work with the company.

Just 1 week into my new job, a company that I applied a job called me for an interview. I actually told her that as I have already started a job, I am unable to make it for the interview, but she insisted and made arrangement for me to meet up with the treasurer very early in the morning. During the interview, I think I can get along with the treasurer and I do think that I impress him enough. Furhtermore, the company is in a business I like, so I pray very hard to GOD to let me have this job. Later, they called me up for 2nd interview, and it is with the HR manager. I have this feeling that I will not do well with the HR.... and true enough, I did not get the job.

So I hang on to my current job. While I am ok with the job, I realised that my boss is somebody that will get the credit for himself and will not take care of his staff. Worst, he has no intergrity at all. He knows nothing on treasury, do not even know what is a forward. He asked me about option and just try to smoke his way to the CFO instead of asking me to sit in the meeting to brief the CFO. Know nothing about netting I just fell that I do not want to work for such boss.

I pray to God and ask God what should I do. While previously, I thought of trading on my own, I have some obsticle that I cannot sort out, but it seems that the answer started to appear to me one by one. I thought this must be God's signal to me. So I put in 12k into trading FX and of course, the end result is that I lost it all (almost).

I ask God why are you doing this to me? If this is your plan, than please tell me what is the reason? Why you gave me a job that I do not have interest in, report to a boss whereby I know and my colleague agree that my technical knowledge is 100 times better than my boss without integrity, make me become a nobody from a somebody, and give me false signal and induce me to loss even more money in trading. Why when I trade for my company, I make money year in year out but I cannot make money for myself?

I pray to you to give me directions as to what to do but I hear nothing. I do not know what else I can do.

While reading the Bible, I know that Father you will provide us with enough food, but still, is it wrong that I should plan for my financial future, to secure it and to provide for my wife and son? I am willing to exchange my life for the good of my parents, my wife, and my son.

My Father, if you happen to read this letter, please tell me what should I do... I am really in a lost and I really need your help, Father.

Everytime I told myself I have to follow rules, I break my rules again.

So let's write it down.

1) Daily stop loss of 20 pips and profit target of 20 pips.
2) Stop trading if there are two losses in a day.
3) Must consistantly use the same strategy.

As i am writing this, I trade and break by rules again.....

Just when I thought I can control my emotion, disasters strike again. Why is this happening to me?

Is this message from God that I should not attempt to trade for a living? Then why gave me all the solutions when I bum into it? The only solution lacking is making money from the market. That is the only thing matter, and yet there is no solution.

Oh God, please help me. If I were to live my live in this way, why don't you just take me away from this world? I will be better dying than to stay alive. I am just a burden to other people and I am not a good father or husband. Why does God ever want to bring me to this world? I am just a burden to my wife. I hope I can just sleep tonite and never need to wake up again. Oh God, please tell me what I should do.

My baby boy was awake since 2 am last night and for the whole night, I did not sleep as he just kept on knocking on the bed and I have to wake up a few time to check on him. Decided to report sick and get away from work to rest as really not feeling very well due to lack of sleep.

So I went down to PP to visit singtel shop and ended up subscrible to the mobile broadband.

My intention is to try it out for the next 2 months, and if it is ok, than replace the home wireless. But more importantly, it allows me to carry out my plan, which was brought about by a series of events.

If I were to trade for a living, I think I will want to trade from outside, like in the national library. In the past, I thought about renting a work station and park my car at URA carpark, but the cost of rental is not that cheap. Furthermore, with my losses, I thought I should find a corporate job and forget about trading.

Finding a corporate job is not easy. I pray to God every day, every hour for a corporate treasury job. And one fine day, he answered my prayer and a company out of the blue called me up and offered me a job, a job that i went for interview about 5,6 weeks before. I called ATH to see if his company is still looking for people and if I will be offered a job. Sad to say, things are out of his hand. So I started with my current company, which is not my ideal job, but I am grateful to have a job nontheless.

Things, however, turn out to be, or rather not what I expected. Besides having to endure a boring job scope with some funny policies, I still have to put up with a boss that steal my credit.

Then one day, my friend called me and asked me to persuade her brother not to trade forex. So I met up with her and her brother. I try to put in some reality to him, but I did not try to persuade him. I leave the choice to him. But in the conversation, I asked him about the method. Though I am not really interested in the method, what I find interesting is the stop loss and take profit target of just about 20 pips, and he trade mini lots, which is 10,000.

I than think about it and i think about my trading. Then it strike me that in the past, I have problem because the minimum is 100,000 and that because I have to how position for at least 1-5 days, it become very difficult to handle the risk for personal trading. So I begin to explore various platform.

It also strike me that I can park my car at Carlton hotel, which is cheaper. Another reason is that I can make use of the library as my office. I then try the free internet connection in the library, but find that it is unreliable. I then wonder maybe have to trade from home. But than on Saturday, I saw an ads on mobile broadband. I check it out and realised that I can subscrible to mobile broadband which enable me to surf the web anywhere. This is what leads me to signing for the mobile broadband.

All this makes me wonder, did God makes me go through all these so as to lead me to what I supposed to do for my future? I asked Him but I could not get an answer. I thought than if that is the plan He has for me, than he will tell me someway right? So I trade intraday for the whole of last week, thinking thaty if God's plan is for me to trade for a living, He will tell me by letting me make profit, otherwise, I will blow away my account. But after last week, the conclusion is inconclusive.

Today, I was in Borders reading a book, and it talk about this guy who trade FX and only scalp for 10 pips per day. I think, is this what God is telling me? What that guy do is not without reason as he will not overtrade. Also, what he said is correct, that often, he will give back the profit to the market if he continue to trade after he hit the daily target. I need to think through this strategy, but I think I agree.

I need to have discipline. Take today for example, after making about 240, I continue to trade and eventually lost back about 80. I will be better off just don't even border to on the computer at night and go to sleep!

But with a profit of 160, how can I survive? I need to make 450 per day. I need to increase my lot size, and this is the difficult part for me now. And since I am still holding on to a corporate job, psycologicaly, I am better because i know that my salary will still comes in at the end of month. But trading, I have no such luxuary. What am I supposed to do? I pray to God to give me some direction.

If I were to adopt a strict discipline of 20 pips cut loss and 15 pips target, base on lot size of 100,000, I can only make S$225, and that is not counting if I make losses on certain days. So I have to increase my lot size to about 300,000, but the risk on 300,000 20 pips is USD600, or about S$900 - no way! The other way is to target 2 trades of 15 pips profit.

I hope that God can guide me.

It has been a long time since I update this blog.

I was out of a job in Aug. I am lost and I do not know what to do.... so I told my wife I am going to church again, after a break of 11 years. While I went to church previously, I was never a Christian. This time, I said the prayer and by definition, I have accepted Christ and become a Christian. I pray to God to shoulder my worries. I pray to God to give me a job.

It seems that God answer my prayer a month later, and now I am with this company. But after almost 3 months here, I found that it is not what I wanted. The people in this company is each for his own. My boss is somebody that will steal his subordinate's credit and push the blame. Worst, he knew nothing about treasury! How can it be? I thank God for giving me a job, but I must say that I am not sure if this is what God's plan for me. Why He gave me a job, but not a job that I prayed for? is this His way of getting me to come to Him? Is this His way of getting me to do some other things later? Ii am not sure.

I started to go back to trading of FX. For the past 2 days, I traded only 10,000 and make about 160. But inside my mind, I have this feeling that if I were to increase my size, I will get hit. True enough, when I increase to 30,000, my internet connection is down, I could not placed a stop loss. But even if I can, I may still be hesitant to close my position. How can I trade for a living?

I ask God if His plan for me is for me to trade for a living? I did not get an answer, so to me, the only way is to try trading, and if I cannot make it, than that will be God's answer.


What am I to do going forward? I have comtemplated to commit suicide for hundred of times, I get sick of life, I get sick of struggling, I get sick of falling behind. I am a top student in school, from secondary to university, but I failed in my career. Why should I go thru university if this is the case? Might as well just let be finish my secondary school and that's it. At least I have an excuse to fail in life.

I pray to God to give me direction, but I do not think I hear from Him. Oh Lord, what should I do? All I ask for is thagt I can do something I like and make a living, nothing more.... and what I wanted to do is to trade for a living.....I know that I can do it for I have been doing it for my previous companies and have been making money every year. I just do not understand why i cannot trade for myself.

God, please help me and give me some directions as to what I should do.