A Letter to GOD

Dear GOD,

I am writing this letter to you as I hope that it can be delivered to you and you can have the chance or time to read it.

I have been praying and praying and hope that you can speak to me but to no avail. So I choose to write it here, post it on the blog, hoping somehow if you red it, youcan answer my prayer.

In the past few years, my life had took a turn and I have not been in the "right" path ever since I left my Swedish company. When I left the company, taking on a regional treasurer position in a US company, I thought that I finally achieve what I set out to achieve, which is to be the head of a department before the ge of 38. But what awaits me is a nightmare. I could not cope with the job because it is not what I expected to be. I spend the next 15 months suffering and I cried a few times. I feel that I let my wife down when I told her that I wish to quit my job than. While she did not say much, I know tht she is worried for me, and what is new? I always make her worry. When I finally quit in Feb 2006, I went for many interviews, but none is successful because of my work history. I am depressed as I felt so useless.

When I finally found a job in an investment firm, I was so relief, and it makes me feel that I just escape from hell. But a few months into the job, I realised that my boss, an Indian, is not going to let me handle what I should be handling... all decision has to go through him, and I do not have a limit to trade... what is the point? Than a company I went for interview called me again and offered me the job, six months after the interview. I thought for a while and I rejected the offer, because my thinking is that I am going to trade for a living myself. Things did not turn out well, and I continue to stay in the company. The following year, we have a bad run, I know that we have a bad position and I wanted to get out, but my boss refused, and the losses runs into hundred of thousands. Than he employed a young chap and that really pisses me off because trying to make decision with him is already bad enough, and now I have to have another person consensus. I have the feeling that he is trying to get rid of me. One day, I asked him what is his plan, and he said he will think about it, and in the late afternoon, I was given the boot. And you know what? This was 2 weeks after my baby boy is borned.

I knew I was in trouble because it took me 5 months to land a job previously, so it will be worst this time. I ave about 90k in my trading account so I think maybe I can get by if I can make 3-4k a month... and you know what, the financial crisis struck and I loss 60k in the option trade.

I really feel so bad and useless. I wanted to commit sucide for I really let my wife down. I just think since I am so useless, what good is there for me to continue to live in this world? If I die, at least my wife can get the insureance payout, maybe she can be with another person that can take good care of her....but than, I am afraid that if I commit suicide and I do not die, things may be worst.... also, when i search true the web and notice that killing oneself is not what GOD will condone and will probably I will be in hell eternally. So I feel even worst and I hated myself that I do not have the courage to do anything.

While I am out of job, I try to get some part-time assignment....I am lucky to get an assignment in Jakarta to do training, which pays me about 6k. I also landed a part time teaching job, but this teaching job turn out to be a waste of time because there is no student. So I complaint that it is not fair that I did not get paid through no fault of mine, and also I spend so much time in preparing the lecturing materials. So the school pay me 1k for my work, but I never hear from them again.

One day, I told my wife I wanted to go to church. My wife knew that I used to go church but was never a Christian. So on that Sunday, I went to church and I accept Christ into my life.

I asked my former boss if he has any position in his company. It turn out that he has, and I was so hopeful about landing this job because of my boss. But it turn out that he said that the decision is not his but his boss, and that his boss do not want to hire a manager. You can imagine my disappointment. Just before this, I actually received a call from a company that I went for interview a month ago. The person offered me a job. I was not too keen because I really hope that I can join my former boss and I am more interested in the financial market side of things. But since my former boss will not be hiring me, I have no choice (actually a private school offered me a lecturing position, but I am not keen as the pay is only 40% of my previous pay).

So I join the company with a cut in salary for 1k, but what can I complaint? Compared with being jobless, a job is a blessing. So I started work with the company.

Just 1 week into my new job, a company that I applied a job called me for an interview. I actually told her that as I have already started a job, I am unable to make it for the interview, but she insisted and made arrangement for me to meet up with the treasurer very early in the morning. During the interview, I think I can get along with the treasurer and I do think that I impress him enough. Furhtermore, the company is in a business I like, so I pray very hard to GOD to let me have this job. Later, they called me up for 2nd interview, and it is with the HR manager. I have this feeling that I will not do well with the HR.... and true enough, I did not get the job.

So I hang on to my current job. While I am ok with the job, I realised that my boss is somebody that will get the credit for himself and will not take care of his staff. Worst, he has no intergrity at all. He knows nothing on treasury, do not even know what is a forward. He asked me about option and just try to smoke his way to the CFO instead of asking me to sit in the meeting to brief the CFO. Know nothing about netting I just fell that I do not want to work for such boss.

I pray to God and ask God what should I do. While previously, I thought of trading on my own, I have some obsticle that I cannot sort out, but it seems that the answer started to appear to me one by one. I thought this must be God's signal to me. So I put in 12k into trading FX and of course, the end result is that I lost it all (almost).

I ask God why are you doing this to me? If this is your plan, than please tell me what is the reason? Why you gave me a job that I do not have interest in, report to a boss whereby I know and my colleague agree that my technical knowledge is 100 times better than my boss without integrity, make me become a nobody from a somebody, and give me false signal and induce me to loss even more money in trading. Why when I trade for my company, I make money year in year out but I cannot make money for myself?

I pray to you to give me directions as to what to do but I hear nothing. I do not know what else I can do.

While reading the Bible, I know that Father you will provide us with enough food, but still, is it wrong that I should plan for my financial future, to secure it and to provide for my wife and son? I am willing to exchange my life for the good of my parents, my wife, and my son.

My Father, if you happen to read this letter, please tell me what should I do... I am really in a lost and I really need your help, Father.